


keep me warm at night

by newrromantics



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Gossip Girl
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-13 17:50:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4531368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newrromantics/pseuds/newrromantics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It can be tough always being the little sister.</p>
            </blockquote>





	keep me warm at night

It's easier enough to see wrong when the lines are blurred. Filling up another plastic cup with vodka, clinking them together like you're adults, entangled on a worn out couch in a dingy living room of a boy you don't know. Her hands are on your knee, tracing circles, round and round and round her fingers go. _Click._ Someone's taking a selfie on the other corner of the room, girls all squished together and smiling, the two of you left out. Her hand traces up higher and higher and higher, until it reaches the end of your dress (it's two sizes too small; a tight fit, a gift from Lily who'd never learned your size). Breath catches, lights dance in front of your eyes, it reminds you off the time Blair dragged you to a club (fancy, not one of the clubs Dawn has dragged you to with crazy strobe lights and pumping music, bodies thrusting together in the darkness). It's light and dizzying and you feel tipsy on just one look.

Her fingers still against your skin. Warm. So warm. Burning. Your skin is on fire and for the first time you're alive; _do you love me?_ you want to ask. Do you love me like I love you? But you don't, you hold your tongue and she removes her hands. Left is a hole in your skin, burnt embers crackling under bright lighting. It feels like you've been drenched in flames, heart-beat racing, _pound, pound, pound._ Can she tell that you can't stop staring of the imprint of her hand on your thigh. Is it possible to discreetly pull out your phone and take a quick picture, you wonder. Her body is still and stiff next to yours, cup empty and confidence gone; _love me_ , you think. _Love me, love me, love me!_

"Want a drink?" She asks - her voice is like honey and her hair is like silk, her eyes are like soft waves in the sea; _careful,_ you tell yourself as you nod. Throat thick. _careful, little J_ \--it could be splashed front page on tomorrow's headlining blurb, _-G_ reporting to ruin your life. _Except_ \--(that life is behind you; bright lights don't twinkle in your eyes anymore, ball gowns glittering as you spun around and around trying to capture the magic you'd dreamed about, and there isn't blood everywhere you go; staining your teeth, hands, lips, eyes). Dawn goes and you watch her leave, the curves in her hips, the long, lean muscles in her legs, the way her dress opens up at the back; the expanse of her back, _you see your hands pressing down gently against her spine, leaving soft kisses._

It's the scariest feeling to look at her and feel your heart explode against your chest. It's the scariest feeling to want her to touch you at all times, to feel the press of your lips against your skin, to want to be around her every second of every day. It's scarier than standing up to Blair Waldorf, scarier than running away, scarier than when Agnes burned all your clothes and you had no where to go and you were all alone with your life falling apart. It's like walking on the edge of a mountain and looking down before jumping. Falling, falling, falling.

"Here." Dawn presses the red plastic cup into your hand, fingers brushing against yours. Electric chills run through you. It tastes like gravel when you sip at it, cheap beer, but it makes you feel alive; _why does it always make you feel alive?_ Dawn giggles next to you, ducking her head into your lap. You stiffen up, reveling in the feel of her against you before the alcohol starts setting in again and you start feeling looser, more giddy, bubbly. Like you're floating through time and space and nothing can stop you from doing anything. For years you'd yearned for this simple simplicity, you just went searching for it in the wrong place (all rich kids offer you is drama; the NY social scene is more stressful than you could have imagined; intoxicating and delicious, too, wrapping you up in it's web, but everything good is bad, too).

"Do you ever feel like," Dawn starts, pausing for a second as she struggles to find the right words. Her eyes are looking up at you and all you see in them is the ocean, calming and beautiful. " _like_ , you're never really enough for anyone." She whispers the last part like she wants the air to swallow it up for her. Jenny knows exactly what she's talking about; living in the older siblings shadow, trying to walk your own path but making mistakes, having those mistakes broadcasted out to the world and shamed for it because Older Sibling never did anything like that when they were your age. Parents unable to learn that you are not you're sibling and you are not the same; you're bound to make mistakes, too, completely different to them.

"Yes." You laugh, it's dark and throaty and cruel because _yes_ you know what that's like. Dawn smiles up at you and it's the only smile you ever need to see; the one you want to spend the rest of your life looking at. It calms you, reminds you that you are not alone, that you are special and important and beautiful.

"I have something I need to tell you." Dawn mumbles, her fingers press into your leg. Mouth covered by her hair that you barely catch her words. Her mood has turned somber, gone is the giggling girl from just before. You think she's going to tell you a secret as she sits up, moving to the other side of the couch. Looking down at the floor, you think she's going to turn around and grin at you, saying _caught you!_ but she doesn't; instead you feel your body tremble as you watch Dawn inhale a huge breathe and she looks at you. Her eyes are sad, so impossibly sad and you feel like you're drowning in them.

"Dawn-" You start to say, feeling your heart break in your chest as you look at her, with her sad sad eyes and lost expression. This is not the Dawn Summers that you know. "What is it?" You ask, leaning in closer to her, wrapping your hand against hers and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"You're going to hate me." Dawn says, point black, straight away, all emotion from her voice gone. It chills you down to the bone. (But you could never hate Dawn; you can only ever love her, doesn't she know that).

"Let's go outside and I'll tell you," She whispers, tugging on your hand. Without question, you oblige. Trailing her outside like a lost little lamb. If only you could know what is running through her head; _if only, if only, if only._

(But nothing could prepare you for what she tells you, anyway).

 

*

The first thing you think when you see Dawn is that it could be Georgina. If Georgina's hair wasn't so black, eyes not so calculating, smile less menacing - then the girl in front of you could be her. But Dawn is just warm.

It's spring when the two of you meet - _new beginnings._ Her hair is down, her smile soft. Everyone stops calling you the new kid once she arrives. Dawn sits next to you in the first class you have together (the very first of the day). Her hands shake a little as she pulls her pencil case out of her bag (and you think you probably fell in love with her then).

"Hi." You say, without thinking. She looks up and over at you, her hair is tucked in behind her ears and she smiles in response.

"Hey." Her voice is warm and soft and like sunshine, you think straight away. "I'm Dawn." Her name is the other thing you notice. Beautiful, you think without even realising. _Beautiful_ and you feel like your the main character in some lousy young adult romance novel. It's the first time your heart clenches around her, bursting through your skin as you look at her.

"Dawn's a really pretty name," You compliment, blushing slightly as the words tumble out of your mouth. _Just because you know you're a lesbian now doesn't mean complimenting a girl's name is flirty, you used to do that all the time, Jen._ (Yes, you did use to do that all of the time; when you were still crushing on girls but afraid to admit it to yourself). "I'm Jenny."

"Thanks. I really like your name. Is it short for anything?" Dawn asks, smiling brightly at you like you're her new best friend (and god, you hope you are).

"Jennifer." You reply, blushing madly. Girls are so pretty, you think distractedly as you watch Dawn smile at you and roll her pen in between her fingers. _Dawn_ is so pretty; the prettiest girl you've ever seen, you think.

"Jennifer is such a pretty name!" She gushes. You think maybe you'll ditch Jenny. Leave her in the past along with the Upper East Side, (maybe you should have done that when you first got to Hudson, _but it's never too late!_ ). "But I think Jenny suits you better." Okay, maybe Jennifer isn't the best name for you then.

"Girls!" Mrs Wester's shrill voice rings out, eyes directed at you and Dawn. "Quieten down." Dawn nods her head, hair falling over her face to hide her smile, the small giggle that flows from her life when she catches you looking at her.

Before now, you'd thought love at first sight was for hopeless romantics -- the likes of Blair Waldorf who thought she was in love with Nate Archibald the moment she saw him, for the likes of Serena van der Woodsen who denied it and denied it but still fell for every pretty person she saw, but it was never going to be for you; maybe the young you, trying so hard to fit in, small and innocent and still liked to dream - that you, maybe she believed in it but not this you. Not until now. Not until you met Dawn and saw her smile and felt your heart burst and burst and burst - you loved her, in that moment, you swore you loved her.

Dawn and you don't speak again for the rest of the lesson, but you feel her gaze burning into your skin, red hot marks left wherever she looked at you. You don't hide the fact that you look at her a lot, either. Small glances here and there, studying the way her chest falls whenever she breathes, the way her eyes concentrate on her work, her tongue poking out slightly at the end of her mouth. You want to know everything about her. Everything. What she likes, what she doesn't, what she's afraid of, if she's ever been overseas, what her favourite _colour_ is. You just want to know everything.

The bell rings, a shrill sound ending the lesson. Mrs Wester sighs and Dylan taps you on the shoulder from behind. "Got plans tonight?" He asks, smiling hopefully like you'll say no. He's been asking you the same question for weeks now. Nicole told you that he _lur-ves you, Jenny._ Gathering your books and pencil case into your arms, you slide out of your seat and tuck it back into the chest before you look over to where Dawn is still lingering near her seat, taking her time to get her things together.

"Actually, I do." His smile drops for a moment, it's like kicking a puppy dog, but you don't feel any remorse as you tighten your fingers around your folder. You are not going to be sorry for not being interested. It is not wrong of you to not like boys. It is okay and _you_ are okay and you are normal. It isn't wrong. It's what you tell yourself everytime you start feeling the slightest hint of guilt over telling a guy no - everyone expects you to say yes, _just say yes, Jenny,_ but all you want to say is no and that's okay. You don't need to apologise for that.

"What are you doing?" He asks, like he's hoping to catch you in a lie. Dawn's walking towards the door now, the class mostly empty by this point.

"Family thing." You lie quickly, eyes flitting over to where Dawn is, standing in the door frame. You need to catch up with her, ask her if _she_ wants to hang out. "Sorry, I've gotta go, don't wanna be late." Dylan doesn't have time to respond before you're racing towards the door, towards Dawn. You grab her arm as soon as you're in reach of her, smiling at her gently and dropping her arm as soon as she looks at you.

"Sorry." You apologise quickly, she shakes her head, telling you it's fine. "I was wondering if you wanted to do something tonight? You're new. I was new. I could help you out, or something." You ramble quickly. Dawn laughs.

"That would be really cool, actually. I mean, my sister made all this fuss about doing something tonight with me but she always cancels, so." Dawn shrugs, "It would be cool to do something." Internally, you're dancing and singing and smiling so wide you're face is about to break - okay, maybe the last one is something you're doing on the outside.

"Cool!" You respond, hopefully not too enthusiastically. "So, you have a sister?"

"Yeah." Dawn laughs, rolling her eyes. "She's such a pain, though." That's something you can relate to, thinking of Dan, who's so far away right now, back in a big city and never calling you.

"I know the feeling. Older, I'm guessing?" This is good, you think, common ground.

"Yeah." Dawn tucks her hair behind her ear. "Uh, she's kind of like my guardian or whatever, so she's the total boss of everything I do and it sucks." Dawn pouts a little as the two of you round the corner, tightening her grip on her books and holding them closer to her chest. You don't ask what happened to her parents. If it's something she wants to tell you, she'll tell you in her own time. "What about you?" She asks.

"Older brother. Totally annoying. Was really bossy when we lived together, totally over-protective." You roll your eyes, but secretly, sometimes you miss it. He got so busy that he stopped being over protective and you ran wild, doing everything everyone was afraid you would.

"This is my stop." Dawn says, slowing down as the two of you walk in front of the Science department. "I think." Her lips twist into a confused frown as she pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket and checks the letters on it. Nodding her head, she confirms that it is where she's supposed to be and says goodbye.

"I'll find you at lunch!" You call as you walk away. Dawn nods, waving at you until she's out of sight. Your whole body feels warm and fuzzy as you walk to English. Warm and fuzzy, like a fire is inside of it.

That's how you and Dawn Summers first meet. But it's also how you first fall in love with her.

 

*

"I'm not human." Dawn says quickly. It's cold outside. You fleeting think you should of brought a jacket with you but then her words sink in. _I'm not human._ You stare at her wide mouthed, wide eyed before bursting into laughter. Not human? This is the funniest thing Dawn has ever tried to pull on you. But she's not laughing with you. When you look up at her, her lips are drawn down, her eyes still sad and serious and -

"What do you mean _not human_?" You gasp. You can't believe you're even asking. (But you believe her. You believe everything Dawn says).

"It's complicated." She tells you, eyes pleading with you not to press for more but she can't just drop this big bombshell on you and expect you not to dig for the truth.

"It's complicated?" You echo back, your voice mocking. You weren't Queen of Constance for a bit, for nothing.

"Jenny," She says and your heart still beats a little faster when she says your name, all soft sighs.

"No." You reply back sharply. "What do you mean, Dawn? What are you, _a robot_?"

It takes her a second to reply. Her eyes looking everywhere but at you. The air is thick with tension and you can feel your lunch swimming around in your stomach. All you wanna do is go inside, rewind the last few minutes and pretend that everything is normal.

"I'm a key." She says it like she expects you to know what it means. You give her a blank stare. "I'm some mystical ball of energy that was made human so I would be protected. So I couldn't destroy the world." You're still staring at her blankly. It sounds like science fiction, not real life.

"Look." Dawn says pointedly, dragging you over to a bench. Suddenly, you feel very sober, like you've had nothing to drink at all. It makes you want to drown a big bottle of vodka. Maybe some wine. Do a few shots. Even skull some beer. "Everything you think about the world is wrong. There's stuff you don't know about."

"You're drunk." You interrupt Dawn, shaking your head, refusing to believe what is being told to you. "Too drunk, Dawn. Let's get you home."

"Jenny! I'm trying to tell you something important."

"And I'm telling you that you've seen too many Science fiction movies."

It's silent between the two of you for a few beats and you _pray_ (you actual to god pray, in your head, looking up for God or Jesus or whoever else was in the Bible and _pray_ ) that this doesn't ruin things between the two of you.

"I'm telling the truth." Dawn says quietly, with such sincerity that you're inclined to believe her. It takes you a few minutes before you nod your head and let her go on.

"Vampires are real-" Dawn starts, her eyes focused solely on her hands. She keeps interlocking her fingers together, twisting them around and letting them fall apart.

"Vampires?" You interrupt, excitedly. Which is weird. You shouldn't be excited about vampires, but you are. But, you're also not sure how much you believe Dawn at this point; you don't think she's lying at all but you think maybe she's made things up to comfort her after the loss of her parents, or something.

"Yes. Vampires. And Demons. And Witches. And anything you can think of that isn't supposed to be real. It's _all_ real," Dawn pauses, a small smile on her lips. "I sound like Giles, now." She mutters, blushing as she tucks her hair behind her ear. You don't know that name. It hits you suddenly that you don't really know a lot about Dawn, she's never really outright told you anything about her life.

"How do you know this?" You ask. Because say if this is real, if Dawn hasn't imagined all this, how would she even know?

"Like I told you I'm a key. Or was. I don't think I'm active anymore." You nod your head, urging her to go on. None of this is really making any sense to you yet. It's supposed to be out of the realm of possibility, but you suppose all those stories had to come from _somewhere._ "And my sister is the slayer."

 

*

The first time you meet Dawn's sister she's covered in dirt and bruises and blood.

"Dawn!" Her voice rings through the small apartment they live in when you and Dawn first open up the door and walk inside. "Dawn, did you borrow my blue shirt? You know, the one with - " Her voice trails off as she comes into sight, spotting you and Dawn leaning against the door. Your eyes widen as you take in the appearance of your new best friend's sister.

"Oh, hi! Sorry." Her sister says, you search your head for a name but one isn't coming to you at the moment. It kind of makes sense why you've never been invited around to Dawn's house before now. She smiles sheepishly next to you before going up to her sister and talking to her quietly.

"Dawn!" Her sister raises her voice, eyebrow pointed at her younger sister who towers over her. Dawn rolls her eyes before flicking you a smile, tongue poking out at you.

"This is Jenny," She introduces you, bending down in a curtsy and rolling her arm in a wave out to you. "And Jenny this is my annoying, very clumsy, very gross sister, Buffy." _Buffy!_ That's it! Dawn's mentioned her name before, of course, but it always seems to slip out of your mind. Most of the time both of you avoid talking about your personal lives, instead bonding over the shared agony of having older siblings and who you think A on Pretty Little Liars is.

"What did you do this time?" Dawn asks as she walks towards the fridge, you follow her, feeling out of place in her house. It's an odd kind of feeling, feeling out of place, it's like you're young again, hanging with the upper crowd, desperate to be liked but still feeling inferior; lying, lying, lying all the damn time.

Buffy shrugs her shoulders, "Fell down a hill. Landed in some bushes."

(You don't believe Buffy for a second, just for the record; there's something in her voice as she says it that you know makes it a lie, and anyway, nobody gets those kind of cuts from falling down a hill).

Dawn pokes her tongue out, rolling her eyes your way. You have to stifle a laugh once Buffy's back is turned. " _Hurry up_." Dawn whines, tapping her foot against the floor, arms crossed against her chest as she waits for Buffy to give her the keys to her car, (and there's this rush flowing through your body; the excitement of being able to take a car out and go anywhere the two of you want, even if that place is just the mall).

"So, Jenny, you don't have any younger, _annoying_ sisters do you?" Buffy asks, shooting Dawn a glare as she fishes her keys out of a bowl on the table. You laugh a little nervously, feeling out of place in their easy banter (and you miss that; you miss Dan), and shake your head.

"I have an annoying older brother?" You offer. Dawn nods her head sadly, swinging herself up onto a seat at the kitchen table and patting to the seat next to her for you to sit on. You follow her lead, swinging yourself up onto it.

"Oh, I know _all_ about annoying, older siblings." Dawn says seriously, popping a grape in her mouth and offering you one. You take it.

"Just an older brother? Any other siblings?" Buffy asks, she throws the keys into Dawn's direction, your best friend catching them mid way.

"I have a step-brother and step-sister." Eric and you haven't spoken lately, either.

"I didn't know that!" Dawn exclaims, smacking you on the arm. You laugh, shrugging your shoulders.

"Yeah, my dad remarried a few years ago." _That's your past life, former life, Little J life, Queen J life, Runaway life._

"That's cool. Do you get along with them or not?" Dawn asks, bumping your shoulders together as she chews on grapes. Nervously, you fiddle with your fingers.

"Yeah. I mean, my step-brother was basically my best friend. We're the same age, so." _Don't say anymore_ , you think. Because Dawn is sweet and nice and you _like_ her (you like-like her) and you can't let her know anything about that life because she could find it all online, anyway, but the more you steer clear of it -- you just don't want her to know you as the You that everybody hated.

Dawn nods her head, swinging her legs underneath her chair and picking the keys up off of her lap. She jumps down, extending her hand out for you to take. You take it, laughing as she pulls you off of the chair.

"Okay, we're off!" Dawn sings, dragging you out the door and along with her.

 

 

*

"Okay, and what's that?" You ask. _Slayer, slayer, slayer_ ringing around in your head. Dawn looks irritated.

"Stop interrupting me!" She exclaims, shaking her head. _Sorry_ , you think, but quite a bombshell has been dropped on you and you don't understand any of it. You still don't know if you believe her but Dawn has never given you a reason not to trust her before this.

"Vampire Slayer." Dawn says, as if the words are supposed to mean something to you. You flick your eyes towards the party and briefly wonder how you ended up here, believing a girl talking about vampires just because you're in love with her. "She kills them and other demons and saves the world and stuff."

"Explains why she always looks a mess." You muse, raking your hands through your hair. Dawn frowns at that statement, like it's an insult or something.

"She _saves_ the world." She says.

You look at her, tired and run down, "Yes. Okay. I believe you." And the craziest thing is - _you do believe her_.

 "Look, Jenny," She sighs, run down and exhausted and what happened to the two of you splayed out against the couch just a few minutes ago? "If you don't believe me, then okay. I know it sounds crazy. _It is_ crazy. I just," Dawn sighs, shaking her head as she looks up at the moon like it'll provide her the answers she seeks. "I _really_ like you, so I needed you to know." She whispers, her voice so quiet you think you're imagining it. It's probably the wrong thing to ask, in hindsight, you _know_ it's the wrong thing to ask, but you're drunk and you love her and you believe her that vampires are real and her sister is the slayer and she's a mystical ball of energy, you just need to know one more thing --

"Like me as in friends or like me as in wanna have sex with me?"

 

 

*

"Have you ever done it before?" Dawn whispers into the darkness. Your bodies are pressed together so tightly on your bed. It's so much smaller than the one you had at Lily's, it feels like being back in Brooklyn in the loft sometimes. So small and home-y and quiet. Except it's missing the sounds of the city and your dad and your brother and your family.

"Done what?" You yawn.

"Sex." Dawn says, her voice barely higher than a whisper. _No_ , you want to say, because you can't believe the answer is yes and you can't believe the way it happened (with a boy, and god, not even with a boy you _liked_ ; with a boy you hated, slimy and gross, tried to rape you at your first ever party, and _god_ , maybe that's why you did it, maybe you -- _no_ , that's not a good train of thought).

"Yeah, have you?"

It's silent. (By the way you asked you could of guessed no).

"No. What's it like?"

It feels like the worst hell imaginable, you think. Like your whole body has been engulfed by flames and you're drowning. It's supposed to be magical, and nice, and sweet. Or at the very least it's supposed to be fun. It isn't supposed to make you rip your own insides out and eat your own flesh. It's not supposed to happen with the boy you hate most in the whole wide world. It's not supposed to fill you with despair and an aching emptiness and leave you wanting to cry for days on end. It isn't supposed to make you feel guilty when his ex-girlfriend comes home, you left with sheets and clothes spread on the floor and him leaving you, like you're a dirty secret no-one is supposed to find out about. It's not supposed to be the opposite of everything _you_ wanted. But you can't tell Dawn this, because Dawn isn't supposed to know That You, the New York you, desperate to fit into places you were never destined to fit into.

"It was with the wrong person."

You hope she doesn't press the matter after that. (She doesn't).

Her head falls against your shoulder, her hand going to find your own, squeezing you tightly and filling you with comfort. This is what it was supposed to feel like. Nerves on edge because you're so unbelievably happy, your body feeling like warm, buttered toast on a Sunday morning. Smiling so wide and so big and feeling so loved that your heart might explode out of your chest. Like all the happiness in the world has been handed to you. It feels like you're falling and you can't stop, but you don't want to stop, you just want to keep on falling. It feels like lazy mornings and late nights, grinning so hard your face hurts. It feels like an electric buzz, a current running through your veins.

 

 

*

(And if she says yes and if she says no, then it'll all be the same, because you'll still love her).

You don't require an answer anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> (leaves this open-ended so i can add more to it in the future if i want to).


End file.
